Darth Sardonic Quiz Answer

My fabu brother in law thought he could stump me but I google like nobody's buisness. So in answer to his question. Cigarette Machine was one of Codeine's songs. Check out their website. http://pry.com/codeine/lyrics.html
Some call it cheatin' some call it clever.

Essays I never thought I'd write

I am writing my great aunt's obituary. She is at the end of her life and I don't want to have to rush to do something after the fact when I know my emotions will be overwhelming. She deserves better than that. There are so many things I want to say but I have to narrow it down. She was born in 1907. That is a lot of life to narrow down. She is my one. Everybody has one or should anyway. That one person who you admire more than anyone. I have the honor of not only knowing the person I admire more than anyone but having that person love me. She has been a guiding force in my life forever. My earliest memories involve her. I remember being very small and touching her jewelry. She has worn the same bracelet my entire life. She got it as a gift from her husband who died two decades before I was born. It's silver butterflies attached to each other wing tip to wing tip and she told me "the force that propels a butterfly's wings in the true reality". I remember smiling but I didn't know what she meant. Now I do. I remember when we sat cuddled in the hide-a-bed, my sister, my aunt and I, watching Diana and Charles get married. We had the sound off so that we wouldn't wake my parents but we listened to the commentary on her little transistor radio. We sat on either side of her and she had the radio in the middle of her chest with one arm around each of us so we could all hear it. She remembers the first cars, the Titanic sinking, both world wars. I am at a loss for how to sum up such an amazing life. but I will. and I am honored.

It's got a nice beat..

http://tacomablaze.blogspot.com/

This guys cracks me up. He works in government just like me but I swear no one this awesome works where I work. What can I say, I am an island.

Whose band is it?

Well, I finally found my cool brother in law. http://darthsardonic.blogspot.com/
He is cooler than I could ever hope to be. (play sad, self pity music here).
I cut my hair tonight. Occasionally (like on nights like tonight) I feel the need to change and since I can't shed 40 lbs over night I cut my hair. So while I am still overweight I look a little different. My children are cracking me up today. I tell them I'm going to cut my hair and they both say "good!" and I laugh. They seem thrilled that I am going to do something with it (keeping in mind that they are 5 and 2.5). So I cut it and then they laugh. My oldest says "ha ha we tricked you" and my baby says "silly mommy". They are so tickled that they have tricked me into cutting my hair that I can't get them to calm down to sleep. They are holding their guts laughing and reassuring me that it will grow out (this is a direct result of my oldest cutting her bangs all by herself right at the scalp a while ago, I told her every day not to worry because it would grow out).
I have always had a laid back attitude when it comes to hair. Mine or anyone else's. As long as it's clean I couldn't care less. My kids dad (god rest his dearly departed mind) is the same way. He figures that if the kids want to die their hair blue more's the better. I think you should get it out of your system while you're young and it's fixable rather than regret that you never did it when you look back at your youth while you slave away at a thankless job in some prairie dog cubicle city. Or worse yet when you are older and your hair follicles cannot stand the stress so they dive screaming from your head while you shower one morning. I want my kids to feel free to be themselves just like everybody else. Or more precisely to be the individuals that they are that look just like all the other disenfranchised youth of their generation. It's good to be consistent.

Still no word from my current whoseband (it has now been so long since I've seen him I don't know if I could pick him out in a crowd of husbands except I suppose he would be the one pointedly not looking at me and when everyone had been matched up they would call out "whose band is this?") I don't know whose band he is but I am beginning to prefer Billy Joel which is as everyone knows is a sign of severe depression or mental collapse. I have begun an intervention on myself and am mainlining Concrete Blond, Nine inch Nails, the Cure, Depeche Mode and a host of other bands which while being fabulously suited for listening to while angry and depressed do not lead to suicide, self destruction, or mullets.
I am trying to focus on the positives....I still have my health.....umm not so much. Ok... there are other fish in the sea... piranas, shark, eels, guppies... Ok how about...at least living at my parents house I never have to clean up dog shit or man piss. Now that's a good one. And of course I have my children, who really are the sweetness and the light. Right now, I feel pretty damn lucky.

Jealousy is rampant

I'm not saying that I want him, want him but my sister's husband is someone I'd like to clone. He makes me laugh and listens when I talk. I enjoy talking with him and I think of course that he is great looking. That said he would be incomplete in my mind without my sister. She is fabulous. I think she's gorgeous (which makes me jealous) and she is socially adept (which makes me jealous). She is the glue which binds her husband and I together. Without her I think we would (overtime) start to drive each other nuts. My caretaking skills leave much to be desired especially in comparison to my sister's. He need only think and she will provide but he would have to think, say, beg, plead, draft a contract etc etc and I would provide (OK maybe not that bad, but certainly with less flair than she provides) She is an emotional whirlwind and he is a calming force. I'm usually pretty calm as well so after awhile we would lapse into sleep never to wake again. She is the tempest which keeps both of us going and increases our interest in life. So I think it is the relationship I would like to clone more than the man. It would be nice though if my cloned relationship could look like him.

Jonus James

I found the blog of Jonus James. http://jonasjames.blogspot.com/
I don't know James. but I love his meanderings he makes me laugh. It is the reverent mixed with the irreverent. He is like an expression of faith in choas. I am amused by it and subltly challenged. He is almost arousing the way he writes. It is like Eddie Izzard meets Chuck Klosterman meets a Christian missionsary with a sex life.

PC=politically correct or patronizing crap

I am annoyed at the idiocy which is rampant in the election this year. Par the norm, both candidates suck but this is prepubescent name calling. The Swift Boat guys have every right to say whatever they want and if I were Bush I would give them money as long as they promised not to let it effect their message. It's call free speech which we pay dearly for in this modern age. Kerry's clique though wants Bush to denounce them specifically, It's not enough for him to say that he feels Kerry's war record it worthy of honor and respect and that he doesn't attack him for it. He has to denounce those that do question it. Kerry though doesn't need to denounce the naked protestors in Washington or the MoveOn.org or any of the other miriad groups which have taken on Bush bashing with vigor and lust. Which I suppose would be a substantial group of people if the context is left to the imagination.
Meanwhile back at the ranch...
A coworker of mine is going to pray for me. She harrassed me about having epilepsy and then said she would pray for me. I find this shocking because while I am a huge believer in the power of prayer it somehow feels less effective when left up to a hypcrite. She was insulting. She laughed when she found out I had epilepsy, made jokes about flopping around and putting me in a tub filled with heavy whipping cream so I could make myself useful before dessert was served. All in all very low brow humor. Then she says to me, "hey..no offence" Well, my dear I am so glad that you haven't been offended. I don't think you can act like a complete ass and then dismiss it with a "no offence" What has our society become that we are at once cruel and overly sensitive. If I had retorted that it must be difficult for her to have to cope with hair as bad as hers. It would have been insulting and cruel and hurtful. I would have been labeled a complete bitch. But she makes ignorant jokes about my epilepsy and I spend the day listening to peope reassure me that I shouldn't be offended because "she meant nothing by it". So hair is hurtful and petty and disabilites are funny and open to comment without "meaning anything" Are we a society which "means nothing". Our word is no longer our a measure of how good we are but merely a way to insure that the silence is kept at bay. How does the PC environment where everything have to be a certain way, hell you can't even watch all the old Bugs Bunny cartoons because some of them are "racially insensitive" but we are cruel beyond belief. We watch the news where the camera focusses on the tear stained face of a screaming woman whose child has been killed. we watch reality shows to laugh at the people who put themselves into these revolting situations, and then laugh while they puke, kiss, fuck, lie, cheat, and bargain in full view of millions. And yet it is cruel to be critical of one person's look or mannerisms straight to their face. But epilepsy, now that's funny.

The Original Jane 

Finally found an old friend

http://speedknitter.blogspot.com/

My friend from junior high. I have found her blog. It's good to hear how your life is going. I miss you.

I am struggling

I want to tell him I am angry. I want to tell him anything but he has not called and I feel like I can't call. It's not a matter of being stubborn or wanting to "force" him to make a move. It's that I feel like he has to make an effort. I can't do everything now or I will always be doing everything. I can't do this by myself and yet he won't do anything. It wouldn't take much. If he could just call or write me a letter. I waiver between angry and air-too-thick-to-breathe-must-gasp sadness. Why is this happening? I don't see the path I am supposed to be on. I don't know how this will get better. I don't see the other side of this. Where is my silver lining? Where is my bright side? I am losing my great aunt. She is dying and I hear the doctor tell me that her heart is slowing down and it won't be long. I hear us setting up appointments with Hospice and I know that it is ending but I can't stand it. I don't want her to suffer but I can't imagine a world without her. And my husband is AWOL. I am losing the person who I have loved most in the world outside of my parents for my entire life and he is no where to be seen. And my kids keep crying for him and I don't know what to say. I am bereft. I can't breathe. Why is he doing this? What do I do? Where do I go from here? I am struggling to breathe, live, sleep, work, eat....

and on the 7th day...He finally made contact

I found a website that I like http://www.mikegallay.com/prisspec.html . It's an insult dictionary and I needed it to come up with things I could use to describe my husband who I think is leaving me in a cowardly way. He dropped me off at my parents house and said he loved me and was going to call when he got home and seven days passed without a word. I tried calling, email, text messages. But to no avail. I knew he was alive because I can check the bank account online and he was still spending money. (I don't care that he was spending money. It's his money) Anyway, nothing until now when suddenly he sends an email that says he is so afraid to talk to me because all we do is fight that he just can't do it. He knows this is "probably making things worse" but he can't help it. PROBABLY! You stop all contact with your wife for seven days and you think it might be making things worse! What a... addlehead, deadbeat dogberry. I told you that insult dictionary had come in handy. I'm insulted that he is being so ... cowardly. Just call me up and tell me its over. Write me a scathing letter explaining that he thinks I'm a contemptible bitch who nags to much and does to little. But he can't because I kept the house clean and cooked and took care of the kids without any help from him because he worked and I stayed home and I felt on some level that he was right and it was my job and my job alone. I provided him with sex when he wanted it and fantasy when he needed it. I was a good wife by his own admission. The problem as he states it is that having a family is too much responsibility he feels "overwhelmed". He needs a "break". What an ass. I can't believe he has cut me off like this. Worst of all the girls. They don't know where he went or why he left. They don't understand and I can't explain it. How dare he leave us. How dare he treat my children as inconveniences. I don't think I can forgive this. I don't think I will ever get over this abandonment. How could I? I can't be that woman. I would be choosing a man over my children and I will not do that. I hate him for this and that frightens me.

watching the world walk in

Watching the Olympics opening games. I am loving the show but hating the commentary. Katie and Bob are being catty and disrespectful and while I am all for that after family reunions at the Olympics it sucks. I'm having trouble concentrating on the show because I am filling out my daughter's school enrollment forms. She starts kindergarten this year and I can't believe how old she has gotten. I still think of her as small and mine and she's getting big and becoming her own person.
He still hasn't called and I am sad. I don't know what to do. I dont want to kill myself to make this work but at the same time I don't want to die waiting for him to do something. and yet... I can't seem to move in any direction. What now?

...seem to disappear into the past

I had this life. More accurately, I thought I had this life. I was going to live happily ever after. That wouldn't have been any fun at all. Neither is this. I have struggled with adult onset epilepsy for over a year now. I lost my job and my car, my license (they don't let people who have seizures drive thank god), my independence. After all this time of struggling with medications and side effects and shit I finally found a doctor who I trusted and a medication that worked. Things were going so well. I applied for a job with full benefits and my husband and I were doing pretty good and my kids were doing great. Then I got the job. and my marriage is ... Dissipating, the job is exhausting and I am starting to have small seizures again although my doctor reassures me that it isn't the medication losing effectiveness. It's that my body is under so much stress that the medication can't keep up. So now we've upped the dose and I am feeling sedated and sick and emotional. Which doesn't help the whole marriage thing. We are living apart now and my kids and I are with my parents. The girls are doing great. I feel badly now that I wasn't aware of how stressed they were until I got them out of the house where we lived with him. I thought things were getting better. I always think things are getting better and then... Suddenly I am alone. I am more than depressed I am collapsed. I can't put my finger on it. It is a million words unspoken, a loving glance lost, a "helpful" criticism that cuts to deep, it's little things, garbage left by the door...me left by the door. How did I become this woman? The last 5 minutes .... have been the last 5 years.