Time

Part of my problem when it comes to blogging is that when I have the time to sit down and write I rarely have anything to say but when I am frantically participating in life and could use the opportunity to vent my spleen I have not one spare minute to sit down and blog my cares away. Working full time, taking care of my kids, all three of us being sick (until recently), trying to repair my marriage, trying to not kill my exhusband (god rest his crazed mind), trying to figure out my/our taxes, and did I mention sleep and breathe? because I barely have time for those things either. Phew!
Now... although it is very late, this is the time I have so hear me, hear me oh random strange and strangers.
My children lately have been needy. In that I must hold you every moment of everyday, and if you look at me sideways or sound frustrated with me I will cry kind of way. I of course have the ideal (albeit imaginary) mom in my mind which I am trying to compete with so I have tried to shore up my pretty girls, repair whatever has blossomed into insecurity (not that they have any reason to feel insecure I mean their biodad is insane and their step dad took off for 6 months but come on what's to feel insecure about right?). My problem is that I am tired. It sounds so simple but I am. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.. I am exhausted. I feel guilty that I am only able to offer up the dregs of my energy to my children but it is all I have right now. It is not that I am spending my energy doing other things of late. I haven't even been going to work as this flu thing has kicked my ass. But I don't even have time lately to chat with any of my friends. One of my very good friends had a baby on the 10th and I just today thought to ask what her name is. How very supportive of me. ha ha. This is a long weekend for me and I have had 3 invitations to do lunch and I have returned no calls yet because I was playing with my girls before they left to go to their dad's and then I was doing our taxes and then I'll admit it I was napping. I'm so tired, I am losing my filter. You know that part of your brain that kicks in the jaw muscle closing your mouth in time to prevent stupid shit from coming out of it? Well I'm losing it. I went to work on Friday and on the way in my mom leaned over and swept my bangs out of my face. I thought, " I fucking hate it when she does that. I am 31 years old if I want my hair in my face you'd think by now it would be OK." and she said, "well you don't have to be like that about it." Holy shit batman! Did I think it or say it? You guessed it folks, I said it. NO FILTER! This is what I'm saying. I am too tired to be exposed to polite society.
Anyway,
I finally had a moment when I wasn't covered in kids and I don't have to be up at the ass crack of dawn so I thought I'd spew to you... but just a bit.
So back to my previous point... I am exhausted.
When I am this tired, it is difficult to compete with the ideal mom in my mind. I begin to negotiate. "Sure" I tell myself, "she would make a fabulous breakfast for the kids this morning but what difference is that going to make to them in the long run? Will it be the food they remember? Of course not it will be the time we spent together." So I skip the fabulous breakfast and we start to play and then I get tired and I negotiate some more, "will they really remember playing 5 hands of UNO on Saturday mornings or isn't two good hands enough?" See the problem is that I negotiate it down until I'm asleep on the couch while they watch cartoons. This is crap! I am just too tired. I played the UNO, I shot some hoops and now I am so tired I'm drooling because I know in my heart of hearts that they will remember the UNO on Saturday mornings and they will remember dancing with me at night when I get home from work. They will remember that I read to them every night even if they don't remember the stories. But today... I keep thinking they'd best remember those times because if I keep up this pace I'm not going live very long.