Author blogs

I read an article about published authors and their blogs and I found one that I like so here it is http://www.neilgaiman.com/index.asp Neil Gaiman who wrote Good Omens a fabulous book I highly recommend has a great blog and seems to even read the postings.

Well, there's hell and then there's Hell.

People in general never cease to amaze me. The man I used to call Dear when I called has finally struck the mortal blow to our relationship. I was stupid when after I listened to his, "I want to be with you but I can't handle the responsibility of being a husband and a father but I'm really gonna try" speech followed by the "I'll call you soon". I actually thought he'd call. I amaze myself with my own stupidity. I always try to make him more comfortable and when he didn't call for two weeks I knew that I would still be civil when we finally spoke next. But then I emailed him that I would be coming out to the apartment (the one I used to call home) to get some stuff I needed for the girls. He called the very next day while I was at work and actually had the audacity to tell me "NO!". Excuse me, I calmly replied, it's still my apartment my name is on the lease I will come when I want. "No you won't" he informed me and I with tears in the eyes of my incredulous face calmly asked if he thought that pissing me off and making me cry at work was really the best course of action for somebody who supposedly wants his wife back? Well I don't need to explain every word that was spoken but let's just say that apparently he did think it was the best course for him. So today, with my dear sister and brother in law we packed up ALL of my stuff and by Monday I will have nothing left in the apartment. We packed while he lurked like a cartoon vulture. Crying silently when they could not see but I could, working his whiny-ass mojo as best he could to cajole me into feeling bad, into apologizing for victimizing him. This man who abandoned my children and myself without even the balls to look me in the eye and say he wants out still thinks that a few tears and a quivering lip will sway me. Apparently he's an asshole, and a crazy one at that. Finally with our relationship standing with its hands up in the air looking wide-eyed over the edge of the freakin' grand canyon he gave it the final prod over the edge without even realizing that he'd done it. You see he wasn't there when it fell. He told us while we packed that we could use our van (gee how generous that you loan me something that's already mine, but I digress) so we loaded it up but then he said he'd see me tomorrow. What?!? Well it seems he had to go to work tonight so he wouldn't be able to let us use the van or empty it until tomorrow. He'll just come by my parents and drop the stuff off and maybe we can (brace yourself) "play some scrabble"! This man is obviously insane, he should be locked up. So there was the push and the relationship was teetering dangerously on the edge and bad spaghetti western music was playing in the background and you start to eat your popcorn a little faster because you don't know if it's going to fall or be able to regain balance. Meanwhile back at the ranch my oldest daughter is leading her life without this man who TEN WEEKS AGO! cut her off without a single word. The man she had lived with and called Daddy who one day woke up and decided he wasn't cut out to be a Dad and hasn't seen or spoken to her since. I came home and decided that I needed to talk with her about this. I don't want her to feel shocked that he has suddenly shown up or for her to be confused that we are moving back to the apartment. So I tell her and then she says "I don't want to see him. I want to tape my eyes shut so I can't see him" (Can you hear the relationship screaming? It finally lost its struggle for balance and is now plummeting to its death) She pinned her eyes shut with her fingers to demonstrate where the tape would go and how it would work. She then opened those beautiful eyes and got teary... and loud. "I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM!" (Did you hear the wet thunk as the relationship finally smashed on the rocks far below? Did you hear it's head split open like a watermelon? I did). "You don't have to see him if you don't want to", I told her. So I've made arrangements with my Dad for the two of them to go out when that insignificant deadbeat whackjob comes to drop off their stuff. What a freak. Why would you think that showing up after ten weeks to drop off their bunk beds would endear kids to you? I don't know about anybody else but I think I'm gonna be lookin' for a cliff tomorrow so that I can show him the reenactment of that bad spaghetti western and he can play the part of Mr. R.E. Lationship. And I'll play Richard Edward (you know DickEd) the one with the gun. [By the way just a little post script.. did you know that when you do a spell check the spell checker tries to replace "freakin" with "foreskin". Odd and vaguely amusing don't you think"

People are crazy

I work at a ... place where people do very formal business (I'm nervous because one of the blogs I read, the girl just got fired because one of her coworkers found her blog and they called it harassment). I am constantly shocked by what my coworkers wear to work. Earlier this week I wore a new skirt and my lead worker, of laughing at epilepsy fame, complimented me on my outfit. I was pleased. She said :"where did you get that skirt?" (This is read in the most annoying 'we're freshman girls trying to pretend we have any control over where we shop' screeching voice). I told her that I got it at Lane Bryant which as some of you may know is a "Women's" clothing store (that's PC talk for the BIG girls store). Now I only volunteered that info because I have seen this girl's hips and thighs and I thought there was a good chance she had wandered in before if you know what I mean but NOOOOO Miss 'I'm to powerful to worry about tact' loudly says "OH MY GAWD. NO WAY!" (Now this is read loudly and with the the waving finger and loose neck. It's not PC but it's very Queen Latifah) "What size are you anyway?" she asked with shock. Now I am not ashamed of my size. I think I carry my weight well. I like comfortable clothes. My belly does not look like an apron and hang down to my knees as a matter of fact it doesn't even hang over my belt so I had no compunction about telling her "an 18". "NNOOO WAY" she howled. "I don't believe it. I only wear a size 12." Now I have to tell you that it took all of my will power not to let loose a big guffaw and ask "on what planet" but I restrained myself and just let my eyebrows creep into my hair line, smiled that 'taking a dump' smile, nodded my head and walked away. "What?" she asked with a slightly hurt tone (but somehow still loudly ?!?!) I of course said nothing. Now this woman is easily 6 ft. has no chest but has hips and thighs that create a distinctly Pear shape. She has some peddle pushers that are so tight I can read the brand name on the tag and don't even get me started on animal feet. I'm not trying to be catty (I just am). Now some of my other coworkers look like they are going to the beach instead of work. Now I have been a stay-at-home mom on and off (mostly on) for the last 5 years and I still remember not to wear flip flops and Daisy Duke's to work. I have to wonder who these people are trying to attract. Are they trollin' for men or do they just not give a shit what people think. We work with the public and not the highest level or best quality of people and I personally like to be easily identified as an employee instead of a "customer". It may be classist but I'd rather not have people wonder if I'm there about a DUII or an indecent exposure charge. I want to look like the only reason I'm there is to report to work.
Now, my second complaint. What the hell happened to undershirts? It used to be that men wore undershirts. Apparently no longer. If you are wearing a T-shirt no problem, if your wearing a sweater, no problem, if you are wearing a very thin dress shirt, problem. I don't want to see your nipples. I think it looks ... I don't know it's just wrong. I don't understand. Do they look in the mirror and think. Spotlessly shined shoes? Check. Perfectly creased slacks?Check. Matching tie? Check. Nipplage? Check. Can they not see them? Do they have a mental block about nipples or do they honestly think it looks good? I'm sorry to all you anonymous readers out there who are offended but I don't want to see your nipples or your hairy chest through your dress shirt. It makes you look cheap (in a whorey way not in a price way) and ruins the look of the suit. Now for the women. I don't get that either. If your nipples are the size of pencil erasers and have a tendency to be hard a lot then either wear a bra that is enforced steel or invest in some duck tape because we don't want to see it (that is either the royal we or I am speaking for those of you who agree with me). One of my other coworkers was speaking with me the other day and I have no idea what she's was saying because while she was talking and wildly gesturing with her hands and arms, her breasts which are... ample were straining against the poor excuse for a bra that she had on and while they were heaving her nipples (or erasers) were swirling like a Madonna video. It was like trying to focus on the words of someone with googly eyes that are rolling in opposite directions. I was mesmerized. I was shocked and repulsed and yet it was like a car accident or a Paris Hilton sex video. I couldn't look away. So strap them up or tie them down but keep those nipples under control. Your going to work not doing an video that involves icing those puppies down.
I hope I haven't offended... Ok I don't really care if I offended but it's nice to say. Maybe next week I'll explain why I think fat women shouldn't have buzz cuts or drive small cars but for now I'm done.