done

Well, well, well

When "hubby b" (AA) left. He called me everyday. He told me sweet things like "I don't know why I married you." "You must have tricked me because I never would have married a bitch like you" "Don't act like I'm responsible for your situation I didn't even want kids". At the time NO ONE wanted me to maintain contact with him. It was bad for me and bad for the girls, supposedly. I maintain though that continuing contact provided Syd with the opportunity and environment she needed so that she didn't feel like it was her fault. He wasn't mean to me in front of the girls (after we were living somewhere else). I was devastated and wanted him to go far away but my girls needed to know their dad. He is a good dad right now. He may not be fiscally responsible but he loves them, plays with them, and they love him fiercely. I'm glad. He may still be a thorn in my side occasionally but he is a great dad. A human but a great dad. Yes, he had a "mental break" of sorts. I can (and so can everyone else apparently) cut him alot of slack because he went crazy to be blunt. But he hurt me and he hurt Syd and it was wrong. We could have walked away. That would have compounded the mistake. I don't think anyone can doubt at this point the veracity of his devotion to his children. But look back three years when people said that he was using the children to get to me.
I am not in agreement with the idea that there is a limit on forgiveness beyond which you become a "doormat". A doormat is someone, at least in my estimation, who is trod upon emotionally. Someone who consistently allows others to "walk all over them". Is this what you all see me becoming? I beg to differ. I am not a doormat. I am a forgiving, loving, generous human being who prefers the high road because it reaps, in my estimation, the most "long-term" benefits. I can understand the short term benefit of shutting yourself off to others and to hurt but I do not understand the long term benefit of holding on to anger, hate, grudges, and general malice. The cliches are true. Hate doesn't hurt the person you hate it hurts you. I know that you are not suggesting I hate but that I distance myself from him but I was so close to him that the only way to distance myself from him would be to divide my heart in two. I can't do it. I won't.
My girls bonded to him (SR). Forget his motives for a moment and consider my children. They want to see the man they called Daddy. He is the only father-figure X has ever lived with. With him she finally got to have what Syd had once. The opportunity to have a daddy in the house. And Syd got to have it once again. Imagine your homes without fathers for a moment ... Darth's sons without him or Pen's daughter without D. He wasn't the best dad there is no question. He isn't in the same league as Darth or D but he was a Dad to them.
And while we're talking trash about SR lets remember when about April of
2003 when I walked out of a movie and my life changed forever. I had a seizure. What followed was fear, pain, anxiety and confusion. I had no insurance, no money and now I was going to lose my car and my job! WHO HELPED ME THEN?! SR did. It was his insurance that paid for my many, many hospital stays, for the prescriptions, the ambulances and it was his accounts, his pay which paid for the literally thousands of dollars of bills which were remaining after the insurance was done. It was SR who paid the $400 a month for Syd's school. It was SR who drove me to every appointment, who stayed in the hospital every night with me, who held my hand when the medications made me violently ill and then mentally unhinged. It was SR who had to watch me seize and comfort my girls when they were so scared. He did that. He made them feel like it was going to be OK. and it was. I am alive today because of SR. Literally. My doctor has said many times that without treatment I probably would have suffered severe brain damage and I know that a few of you are aware that some of the "treatments" we tried caused suicidal ideology. I would be dead without his constant vigilance through that time. So let's just cut the shit about how he never did anything for us.
Karen may have said Fuck this. But she would have said that because she didn't want me to get hurt anymore. She told me once that her mother suffered while she died because she was a bitter angry woman. Now I didn't hold stock with that theory especially considering how Karen needlessly suffered as she left us (if you never had the opportunity to meet her then I feel very sorry for you because she was an amazing woman who on many opportunities helped me see the truth and helped me become the woman I am today (see description above) But I think it speaks to a larger philosophy in her life that holding on to bitterness and anger leads to suffering later on. I may have completely misunderstood Karen's intent when she told me that but that's what I got out of it. She didn't think it was a good idea to hold on to the bad shit. She told me repeatedly "let it go".
I love all of you my family and friends. I know that you want the best for us.
I don't want my children to hurt. Take away my own hurt and I am left with the knowledge that they want to see him and he wants to see them. They don't care about his motives or the lack of shared biology. They think he is their Dad. They were lucky, we told them once upon a time, they had two dads. They want their Dad and it can only hurt them to prevent it. The last time they saw him we had met him at a McDonald's. We were well into our current predicament but Syd had asked to see him so I arranged it. He got down on his needs and told each one of them separately how sorry he was and that what was happening was not in any way about them or their mother. He told them he loved them. I don't care if he was completely full of shit. They needed to hear that and they needed to hear it from him. He is not going to take them away somewhere by himself. He is going to see them on my terms when and where I choose but I'll be damned if I'm going to look at them and lie and say he hasn't asked to see them when he has. They need to feel confident that they are not to blame for this. And they want to see their dad. And so they will. .. even if that makes everybody think I'm a fool or a doormat. Only time will tell which path was best but for now I'll take the high road.

I am not an animal.... or a doormat

It's not that I'm a nut. It's not that I'm a doormat. I just don't maintain my anger well. I am devastatingly hurt. Destroyed one might say. I feel like my feet have been knocked out from under me. And yet... I miss him. I miss my old life. It was hard and it was kinda lonely. But it was easier than this and it was less lonely than this. My family is my rock and I have them but I had them then too. I miss my bed, my computer, my dishes, my kitchen, my stuff. I miss having somebody who understood my jokes and talked Sci-fi comedy with me. I miss having somebody to go to the movies with that could...anticipate. He would know when to squeeze my hand when I felt like crying and he would put his arm around me and pull me in when I needed to hide my eyes. I know he could be an ass. so can i. I know that he was hard to live with. so am i. I am not saying all's forgiven but my anger has fizzled to a deep ache which feels so much like loss, mourning, sadness, depression that it has become indistinguishable from those feelings. I've been listening to Duran Duran's Ordinary World and it makes me cry. It says "where is my friend when I need you most.. gone away" and I feel like my friend has gone away. For the last 8 years he has been my go to guy, my best friend. He was my sounding board, my confidence booster, my reality check, my friend.
He has asked to see my girls. I know he loves them even if he sucks at showing it. The girls want to see him. The girl's father on the other hand is struggling with this. He says we are teaching the girls to be "doormats". I wonder is he worried that they are learning that from me? But he denies this and says it is my husband's blatant lack of effort which will teach them to be victims when he is not denied access to them as punishment for his bad behavior. This from the man who kicked his pregnant wife and two year old out of the house and then asked for a divorce before his second child was even 1. He said mean things to me which he has since conveniently forgotten but when I encouraged a continuing relationship with his children even after he had stomped my heart....that was different apparently. I was trying to teach my girls that when you love someone you don't abandon them when they act badly. Lord knows that I would have no family left if they had all left me when I behaved badly. I was trying to teach them that they had a choice. They could have a relationship with their dad that was worshipful or understanding. I love my father very much but I don't worship him. He is human not a god. A god doesn't make mistakes, you do. A god doesn't say hurtful things, you are too sensitive. A human on the other hand ... they make mistakes, say hurtful things, and sometimes don't act loving but it isn't about you it is about them. My father doesn't make up his mind and then refuse to change it because of me. It's the way he is. and I love him. My older sister doesn't know me or get me but it's not because I'm not worth knowing it's because she has a few people in her circle and that's her comfort zone. She doesn't need me like that. It's about her not me. My kid's father didn't leave us because of who we are, he left for a reason involving only him. I wanted to teach them that we love people but we don't control them. We open our hearts, OPEN THEM, not give them away. I don't lose my house because I open the door. I wanted to live that for them. I gave him a chance to meet his kids and bond with them acting from those ideas. It worked. He has a great relationship with them but it took a while for him to stabilize his own life. My philosophy hasn't changed. This wound is so fresh and it hurts so much but I can't find any scenario that keeps the girls and my husband from seeing each other that doesn't cause long term damage to them and to the doctrine I have espoused. Namely: You don't hate. You love and forgive and act from a higher place instead of the hurt and anger. You can only control your response to the world not the world. So control yourself.