I am not an animal.... or a doormat

It's not that I'm a nut. It's not that I'm a doormat. I just don't maintain my anger well. I am devastatingly hurt. Destroyed one might say. I feel like my feet have been knocked out from under me. And yet... I miss him. I miss my old life. It was hard and it was kinda lonely. But it was easier than this and it was less lonely than this. My family is my rock and I have them but I had them then too. I miss my bed, my computer, my dishes, my kitchen, my stuff. I miss having somebody who understood my jokes and talked Sci-fi comedy with me. I miss having somebody to go to the movies with that could...anticipate. He would know when to squeeze my hand when I felt like crying and he would put his arm around me and pull me in when I needed to hide my eyes. I know he could be an ass. so can i. I know that he was hard to live with. so am i. I am not saying all's forgiven but my anger has fizzled to a deep ache which feels so much like loss, mourning, sadness, depression that it has become indistinguishable from those feelings. I've been listening to Duran Duran's Ordinary World and it makes me cry. It says "where is my friend when I need you most.. gone away" and I feel like my friend has gone away. For the last 8 years he has been my go to guy, my best friend. He was my sounding board, my confidence booster, my reality check, my friend.
He has asked to see my girls. I know he loves them even if he sucks at showing it. The girls want to see him. The girl's father on the other hand is struggling with this. He says we are teaching the girls to be "doormats". I wonder is he worried that they are learning that from me? But he denies this and says it is my husband's blatant lack of effort which will teach them to be victims when he is not denied access to them as punishment for his bad behavior. This from the man who kicked his pregnant wife and two year old out of the house and then asked for a divorce before his second child was even 1. He said mean things to me which he has since conveniently forgotten but when I encouraged a continuing relationship with his children even after he had stomped my heart....that was different apparently. I was trying to teach my girls that when you love someone you don't abandon them when they act badly. Lord knows that I would have no family left if they had all left me when I behaved badly. I was trying to teach them that they had a choice. They could have a relationship with their dad that was worshipful or understanding. I love my father very much but I don't worship him. He is human not a god. A god doesn't make mistakes, you do. A god doesn't say hurtful things, you are too sensitive. A human on the other hand ... they make mistakes, say hurtful things, and sometimes don't act loving but it isn't about you it is about them. My father doesn't make up his mind and then refuse to change it because of me. It's the way he is. and I love him. My older sister doesn't know me or get me but it's not because I'm not worth knowing it's because she has a few people in her circle and that's her comfort zone. She doesn't need me like that. It's about her not me. My kid's father didn't leave us because of who we are, he left for a reason involving only him. I wanted to teach them that we love people but we don't control them. We open our hearts, OPEN THEM, not give them away. I don't lose my house because I open the door. I wanted to live that for them. I gave him a chance to meet his kids and bond with them acting from those ideas. It worked. He has a great relationship with them but it took a while for him to stabilize his own life. My philosophy hasn't changed. This wound is so fresh and it hurts so much but I can't find any scenario that keeps the girls and my husband from seeing each other that doesn't cause long term damage to them and to the doctrine I have espoused. Namely: You don't hate. You love and forgive and act from a higher place instead of the hurt and anger. You can only control your response to the world not the world. So control yourself.