People are crazy

I work at a ... place where people do very formal business (I'm nervous because one of the blogs I read, the girl just got fired because one of her coworkers found her blog and they called it harassment). I am constantly shocked by what my coworkers wear to work. Earlier this week I wore a new skirt and my lead worker, of laughing at epilepsy fame, complimented me on my outfit. I was pleased. She said :"where did you get that skirt?" (This is read in the most annoying 'we're freshman girls trying to pretend we have any control over where we shop' screeching voice). I told her that I got it at Lane Bryant which as some of you may know is a "Women's" clothing store (that's PC talk for the BIG girls store). Now I only volunteered that info because I have seen this girl's hips and thighs and I thought there was a good chance she had wandered in before if you know what I mean but NOOOOO Miss 'I'm to powerful to worry about tact' loudly says "OH MY GAWD. NO WAY!" (Now this is read loudly and with the the waving finger and loose neck. It's not PC but it's very Queen Latifah) "What size are you anyway?" she asked with shock. Now I am not ashamed of my size. I think I carry my weight well. I like comfortable clothes. My belly does not look like an apron and hang down to my knees as a matter of fact it doesn't even hang over my belt so I had no compunction about telling her "an 18". "NNOOO WAY" she howled. "I don't believe it. I only wear a size 12." Now I have to tell you that it took all of my will power not to let loose a big guffaw and ask "on what planet" but I restrained myself and just let my eyebrows creep into my hair line, smiled that 'taking a dump' smile, nodded my head and walked away. "What?" she asked with a slightly hurt tone (but somehow still loudly ?!?!) I of course said nothing. Now this woman is easily 6 ft. has no chest but has hips and thighs that create a distinctly Pear shape. She has some peddle pushers that are so tight I can read the brand name on the tag and don't even get me started on animal feet. I'm not trying to be catty (I just am). Now some of my other coworkers look like they are going to the beach instead of work. Now I have been a stay-at-home mom on and off (mostly on) for the last 5 years and I still remember not to wear flip flops and Daisy Duke's to work. I have to wonder who these people are trying to attract. Are they trollin' for men or do they just not give a shit what people think. We work with the public and not the highest level or best quality of people and I personally like to be easily identified as an employee instead of a "customer". It may be classist but I'd rather not have people wonder if I'm there about a DUII or an indecent exposure charge. I want to look like the only reason I'm there is to report to work.
Now, my second complaint. What the hell happened to undershirts? It used to be that men wore undershirts. Apparently no longer. If you are wearing a T-shirt no problem, if your wearing a sweater, no problem, if you are wearing a very thin dress shirt, problem. I don't want to see your nipples. I think it looks ... I don't know it's just wrong. I don't understand. Do they look in the mirror and think. Spotlessly shined shoes? Check. Perfectly creased slacks?Check. Matching tie? Check. Nipplage? Check. Can they not see them? Do they have a mental block about nipples or do they honestly think it looks good? I'm sorry to all you anonymous readers out there who are offended but I don't want to see your nipples or your hairy chest through your dress shirt. It makes you look cheap (in a whorey way not in a price way) and ruins the look of the suit. Now for the women. I don't get that either. If your nipples are the size of pencil erasers and have a tendency to be hard a lot then either wear a bra that is enforced steel or invest in some duck tape because we don't want to see it (that is either the royal we or I am speaking for those of you who agree with me). One of my other coworkers was speaking with me the other day and I have no idea what she's was saying because while she was talking and wildly gesturing with her hands and arms, her breasts which are... ample were straining against the poor excuse for a bra that she had on and while they were heaving her nipples (or erasers) were swirling like a Madonna video. It was like trying to focus on the words of someone with googly eyes that are rolling in opposite directions. I was mesmerized. I was shocked and repulsed and yet it was like a car accident or a Paris Hilton sex video. I couldn't look away. So strap them up or tie them down but keep those nipples under control. Your going to work not doing an video that involves icing those puppies down.
I hope I haven't offended... Ok I don't really care if I offended but it's nice to say. Maybe next week I'll explain why I think fat women shouldn't have buzz cuts or drive small cars but for now I'm done.