Lost

Somehow, over the course of a million moments, I lost you. Now I read your blog and my heart aches that I am a world away and can not just cross the vast distance that has formed between our hearts with a simple phone call. Maybe I could and it is only my own fears that stop me from dialing your number. I looked into your eyes when we last met and saw anger only thinly veiled. Your words were tinged with venom and I felt the poison seep into my heart.

I hurt her it is true and I have spoken with her and tried to mend that wound. Is it healed? No. I will not even attempt to delude myself into believing that I have repaired the damage in my relationship with her. But I don't fear her rejection like I fear yours. She is not flesh of my flesh but she is kin by heart and soul which is perhaps a deeper bond. We fight and we will get over it. You though, my friend, are a mystery to me. Angry on her behalf and unwilling to admit (to me anyway) angry on your own part as well. Perhaps if I just asked you flat out. "Are you mad at me for her sake or yours?" "What could I have done different?". As I type this I have no doubt that you would gladly fill me in. You would answer those questions and then some. But would that make it better? I think not. I think that having you blast me would perhaps make it worse. One of the things that is hard about this, I think, is that we both feel wronged. We both feel betrayed by the other. She said to me at one point (during a conversation that I began to try and "clear the air between us") that one of the worst parts of our fight was seeing how hurt you were.

Losing you was the worst part for me. You were my best friend. You knew my secrets. You left me. There. It's out. You left me. You didn't like the choice I had made and you left me. My sense of betrayal and my anger run deep as well I guess. I'm known though for my ability to just move on, to just "dump" the crap and get on with it. That ability contributed to the problem we are having now. I moved on with someone else, dumping the bad to focus on the present. And now here we are.

Well, more precisely, here I am and there you are with the grand canyon of emotional fuck ups yawning between us. It's been so long that I'm beginning to question. Was it real? What was our common ground? Does it matter now? My talent for forgetting only kicks in when it seems there is a chance of a future. This is not planned, things just seem to work out that way. Every time I know I will see you I flex those mental muscles and pry open the wall around my heart. I lay out the welcome back mat and dust the cob webs from the corners. And each time.... nothing. Perhaps you, like my father, follow the "fool me once" policy. How sad. For both of us.

facing a dark road again

I seem to spend a lot of time going without knowing where. Here I am again though. Facing the unknown. Scared as hell. I have great hopes though that I will find a path. My schooling is halfway done. By October I should be an LMT. Then I will make a mighty leap into the future and hope for the best.